Shaking Off

Dominion Day, or as it’s known now, Canada Day. The name was changed in 1982 after the patriation of the constitution. I guess they figured that we were no longer being dominated by a foreign government. But we are still bound by the fetters of a foreign monarch. Sure, she has no power, at least not in the traditional sense. But what our queen (or “Her Majesty the deposed Queen of Fiji” as I like to call her) is is an impediment to our development as a sovereign nation.

Our monarchy was once an important symbol and reminder of that which separated us from the republicans to the south. It was a beacon of freedom carried by our troops in foreign wars; wars that we did not enter out of necessity but out of duty to king and country. But not anymore. It has now become a relic of days gone by and a memory of a once mighty but now dormant empire. It embodies an age of brutal colonialism and the unsuccessful attempt to cleanse British North America of its French and indiginous populations.

“Our” queen she is not. Legally, yes, but not at heart. Upon seeing a picture of Elizabeth II, how many people do you think say, “oh that’s the Queen of New Zealand” or “hey, wasn’t she was Queen of Pakistan in the 1950s?” No, she is regarded as being a British queen. In fact, I’ve often heard her referred to as the “Queen of England,” a position that hasn’t existed for over 300 years. But the confusion is understandable. Just look at her name: Elizabeth II. There has never been an Elizabeth I of Saint Kitts and Nevis nor of Tuvalu nor even of Scotland. Hell, there technically has never been an Elizabeth I of the United Kingdom. Only of England, where she lives and rarely leaves. A symbol of all that is Canadian she is not.

We must rid ourselves of this antique once and for all.

The news keeps talking about some coup d’état in Honduras and it’s really pissing me off.

In my mind, a coup usually goes something like this: a small group (often military) unilaterally seizes power, revokes the constitution, bans all political parties and, following a show trial, executes the former leader.

A coup is not when the military, with the full support of congress and the supreme court, removes one elected official from power and flies him to safety in a neighbouring country. I call that an excessively forceful impeachment. That doesn’t make it right, though, it just makes it not a coup. Oh and the new interim president, he’s from the same party as the old one, the Liberal Party. And the legislature that wanted the Zelaya out? Controlled by the Liberal Party.

I don’t know what the point is, but here’s a third bit on Iran. I’m really pessimistic about the chances of a positive outcome, but I guess anything could happen.

Props to Mousavi for refusing to back down, but he needs to do more. Even if he’s not backing down, some of his supporters are. They’re tired and afraid for their safety. Mousavi needs to step up and start appearing at these rallies… Khatami too, and even Rafsanjani. It’s true he’ll be risking life and limb but being the kind of figure he is, the Sword of Damocles is nothing new. When his supporters see that he is willing to be out there, it’ll be the best recruitment tool ever. In fact, and I know this will sound insensitive, but if Mousavi were to be arrest or, God forbid, killed, the outrage stemming from this would be of revolutionary proportions.

A more thing. Rafsanjani may appear to be somewhat of an ally now, but at heart he’s still a conservative. He’s also got his eyes on the position of Supreme Leader. The man who should be Supreme Leader, Hossein Ali Montazeri, is currently under house arrest. Maybe they should spring him loose. Montazeri was being groomed as Khomeini’s successor when he had to go and speak up against the mass executions of political prisoners in 1988. The nerve! In hindsight, had he known Khomeini would be dead within a year he could have just buckled down and waited it out.

P.S. I suppose I should say something about MJ. Great singer, weird guy.
I’ve always liked this song for obvious reasons:

Scenario 1: The election results are legit and Ahmedinejad has won by a landslide.

We have a country full of crazies and in several years they’ll have nuclear weapons. Oh shit, Israel already has nukes and the finger on the button belongs to Binyamin Netanyahu.

Scenario 2: The election was rigged, the results are fraudulent.

It’s back to the 1980s for Iran. The opposition will be rounded up (some already have been) and dissent will be silenced. Sounds about time for another revolution. Let’s be proactive and evacuate the embassies now.

Contrary to what many think, the Islamic Republic of Iran is indeed a democracy. It has multiple political parties which field candidates in relatively free elections. Which is more than can be said for Cuba, a country the loony left has no short supply of love for. However, it is an illiberal democracy: all candidates, presidential or parliamentary, must be pre-approved by the unelected Guardian Council. Also, when in power, there’s no guarantee you can actually achieve what you planned, especially if your ideas are contrary to those of the religious elite.

So, democratic? Yes. Free? Absolutely not. But the sooner we can get Ahmedinejad out of there, the better off everyone will be. So our greatest, best hope is Mir-Hossein Mousavi. As far as reformers go, he’s relatively conservative. But he firmly believes in the Holocaust. And at the end of the day, a more conservative reformer is less likely to piss off the clergy and therefore less likely to have all his attempts at reform stonewalled à la Khatami.

So while a wind of change might not be sweeping through the Land of the Aryans, let’s hope and pray for at least a light breeze.

I wrote most of this several days ago but the “Moving Forward” and the “The Diaspora” sections were incomplete and I felt they are very necessary so that it doesn’t just look like I’m merely celebrating a military victory.

After the BJP’s humiliating defeat and with Aung Sun Suu Kyi on trial, it’s a relief to finally hear some good news coming out of South Asia: the Liberation Tigers Of Tamil Eelam*, the LTTE, have been officially pwned. Velupillai Prabhakaran, its power-hungry leader for just over 33 years is no more.

Not as flashy as al Qaeda or as deceptive as Hamas, the LTTE were FUCKING BRUTAL in their own special way. Now just to be sure, I am in no way condoning the heavy handedness of the Sri Lankan Army but we must realize that the enemy of my enemy is quite often also my enemy. Stalin kicked some serious Nazi ass but that doesn’t mean I’ll be inviting him to my next birthday party (he died a long time ago anyway). But despite his rhetoric, Prabhakaran cared not about the Tamil people, only power. There may be a fine line between terrorist and freedom fighter but the LTTE were nowhere near it. One little bit of trivia: the LTTE are (one of) the only terrorist organization(s) to ever have an air force.

Beaten but not Forgotten

One of the most enduring legacies of the LTTE will undoubtedly be its brilliant invention. It’s easy to forget that less than two decades ago all suicide bombings were carried out with the aid of some sort of vehicle. But the LTTE changed all that. The explosive belt is a device so simple it’s a wonder somebody else didn’t think of it sooner. But it was the Tigers who unveiled their ingenious invention in 1991 with the assassination of Rajiv Gandhi (no doubt also helping “Gandhi” set the record for most assassinations per surname). From there on the floodgates opened up. Women, children, anybody could be a suicide bomber. All you need are charismatic leaders who don’t have you best interests in mind and a whole lotta ka-blam!

Moving Forward

The ball is in Sri Lanka’s court. With the LTTE out of the way they must quickly reconcile with their Tamil minority. No doubt some just must be served to those guilty of crimes against humanity but a witchhunt is in nobody’s best interest. The government needs to implement devolution to the Northern Province as promised in the Indo-Sri Lanka Accord. At the same time, This needs to be coupled with firm maintainance by the central government that separatism will not be tolerated. Amending the constitution in order to make Sri Lanka a federation would be the best course of action. That way, if in the future an extreme Sinhala nationalist party comes into power they can’t just revoke the devolved authority.

The Diaspora

Now Canada, Toronto especially, has the largest population of Tamils outside of Asia and the largest population of Sri Lankan Tamils outside of Sri Lanka itself. It was only recently that I became aware of the fact that there is a clear distinction between Sri Lankan Tamils and the inhabitants of Tamil Nadu. While the cultures are closely related they have nonetheless been separate societies for many centuries now.

Members of the Sri Lankan diaspora have a duty to lobby foreign governments in the interests of the homeland but I believe they’re doing it all wrong. Mass gatherings with the waving of what appear to be terrorist colours is no way to garner support. In fact, forget about support for the time being and focus on sympathy. Ideally people would just care for the situation of all oppressed people around the world. But this isn’t the case: we have busy lives and only so much love to give. So that’s why you must promote a sort of “Tamilophilia.” For example, during the Greek War of Independence many Europeans were of the mindset of “Fuck yeah! Greeks rule! Plato and Alexander the Great and shit! Awesome!” Looking to a more modern time, the Israeli War of Independence: “Alright man, I LOVE the Jews, they wrote the bible and we’ve been shitting on them for two thousand years!” But if someone is to mention the plight of the Kurds the response is more along the lines of “dude, I love cheese curds.”

Much like Greek, the Tamil language is one of the oldest languages in the world still in use. The Tamils have a rich and prosperous history: people need to be informed about this.

*It’s their proper name, and “Tamil Tigers” sounds more like a baseball team than an international terrorist organization.

Eurovision was so awesome. I’m totally going to watch it every year now. Although, from what I gather, not all host countries take the contest as serious as Russia did so in effect, this might have been the “Beijing” of Eurovisions in that future countries won’t be laying down so much cash when hosting the contest

Politically motived voting remains, as always, an issue. Cyprus gave Greece douze points and Moldova and Romania likewise swapped their twelve. And it goes without saying that the non-Greek Balkan nations all scratched either others’s backs.

Alexander Rybak of Norway was a deserving winner. In the past Norway has had the dubious honour of coming in last place 10 times, four of which they got nul points. This year they got a record-breaking 387 points, including a record-breaking 16 sets of douze points and a record-breaking 169-point lead over second place. So, all in all, pretty successful.

The great thing about Rybak’s win is his song and his choreography were relatively simple. If I have one criticism of the contest as a whole, it’s the excessive stage productions that take the attention away from the music:

France Gall, 1965 (winner): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5aeeSmkPwQ
Svetlana Loboda, 2009: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6q6eKK3NcR8

A few screen caps:

The French singer was unfortunately given not one, but two black eyes before going on stage.

Beware of Greeks riding giant staplers.

Rarely seen in the wild, this is the critically endangered German jazz cowboy, or die Deutschejazzenkowboy.

Based on her “hat,” Albania was apparently the setting for The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Those backward Muslim countries are SO repressive to their women.

I sat and pondered for some time over how I could turn this into a Russian reversal but I’ve got nothing. It’s just a picture of an oddly emotional Русский singer.

Easily my favourite Russian word. Evar.

Wohoo!

[Ed.—With the proper promotion I think Brinck, the entrant from Denmark, could definitely break through the North American market. He's the only one whose style I think is suitable. But, in reality, with the exception of a handful of musicans (e.g. ABBA) mainland Europeans never hit the U.S. charts.]

Yesterday was the second semi-final of the Eurovision Song Contest. The final will take place tomorrow. It was overall a pretty good bunch, although neither Ireland nor Cyprus, both of whom I thought had really strong numbers, made the cut. Europeans have weird tastes.

The Latvian singer was jumping around the stage more or less in this position for the entire number. Although I have to give them props for resisting the temptation to sing in English. I can’t speak Russian but I thought I heard the word “kulak” so maybe the song was about the plight of wealthy farmers.

The lead singer/violinist from Norway is the frontrunner in the Eurovision Moustache Contest.

Before each song a transliterated Russian word was displayed along with its translation. I was completely stumped by this one before I checked the meaning in English.

Medved! MEDVED! That’s like…

Preved Medved! Speaking of John Lurie, the first Lounge Lizards album is so awesome.

Really, no Russian party would be complete without bears.

So I have this stereotype in my head of Serbs as being assholes which is, admittedly based more or less entirely on Gavrilo Princip and Slobadan Milošević, the only two Serbs I can name off the top of my head. After seeing this act though, I don’t know what to think.

The Hungarian singer having his clothes torn off. You could say they’re “Hungary for love!” Eh, eh? No? Oh well.

The Slovenian singer was behind this curtain for two thirds of the performance. When she finally emerged I disappointed and surprised at the fact that she was neither naked nor hideous, respectively.

Of the 25 countries competing in the final, 13 of them have never won, including Azerbaijan, a country nobody’s heard of (it’s one of the few Asian CIS members whose name doesn’t end in “-stan”). I hope their chief export is hot women like AySel (who’s only 20!!). If Azerbaijan does when it’ll be only the second or third time the winner isn’t pasty white.

Kids, this is what happens to you when you grow up in a godless country: green men molest you.

Roman centurions in hamster wheels are a common sight in the Ukrainian countryside.

“By the way, I’d like to tell you about the things you need to watch the Eurovision Song Contest. You need wide screen TV, you need laptop and you need a toaster. You need TV to watch, laptop to get the exclusive [unintelligle] access backstage to exclusive materials and the chance to get in toach with the fans of Eurovision, so go eurovision.tv and toaster… for making toast!” - Dmitriy Sheplev, Greenroom Reporter

He redeemed himself, however, with some good comments in the following press conference. Which was boring for the most part except when some asshole from the Netherlands asked the Moldovan party whether he would have to bring his own tent next year if Moldova won the contest (Moldova, of course, being one of the least developed countries in Europe). I didn’t catch her answer, which was in Moldovan (which is IDENTICAL to Romanian, but don’t tell that to a Moldovan).

Also during the press conference, they had multiple cameras going and this shot came on the screen and inexplicably lingered there for several seconds.

I’ve been stung by Cupid’s arrow. It’s official, I am going to marry this mascot woman. [Ed.—It seems her name is Ksenia Sukhinova and she's actually a year younger than I am. Oh and she was Miss World 2008.]

HELLO! WE ARE RUSSIAN! ISN’T ZAT GREAT!

The obnoxious and unfunny hosts. I lol’d once though, when he described Israel’s entry as “the most political[ly] correct song” in the contest (the song is in English, Hebrew and Arabic and is performed as a duet between an Israeli Jew and an Israeli Arab).

And so begins Eurovision, or as she put it, “the most exciting European song battle of the year.” Which would suggest that “song battles” are a common occurrence in Europe.

The chameleon: she appears wearing a different hat and shirt for each upcoming performance. This is Belgium.

White City/Dome of the Rock/Menorah hats are very popular in Israel this time of year.

What more can I say that isn’t already painfully obvious, really? Oh, and the band’s name is also their website URL: gipsy.cz

I would mock them but there’s a chance this might be traditional Armenian religious garb.

What contest is complete without an angry Belgian Elvis? His song was, fittingly enough, entitled “Copycat.” I actually liked it but he didn’t qualify for the final.

Icelandic girl next store. God I love that country.

In trying to convince you to buy the CD and DVD he namedrops ABBA and Celine Dion, who are two of the only Eurovision winners (out of about fifty) who have gone on to have internationally successful careers. In Dion’s case it was almost a decade after her win so the connection is tenuous at best.  He also came up with this dynamite utterance: “We’re waiting for you, because without you we can’t wait.”

Legendary Russian musicians: Rimsky-Korsakov, Tchaikovsky, Shostakovich, t.A.T.u.
(At least Tchaikovsky’s homosexuality was legit.)

She’s such a tease.

So despite all my mocking and sarcasm I actually really enjoyed watching it. The Second Semi-Final is on right now, I’ll probably watch the replay later tonight: www.eurovision.tv

Adolf Hitler is so obviously a mythical figure I don’t know why people still believe in him. Let’s see, he was born in a different country then the one he would first rule. Sound familiar? I thought so. That’s because Hitler is merely a 20th century recasting of Napoléon Bonaparte, probably the result of a massive Soviet propaganda effort. The resemblances are blatant:

Napoléon: Born in the Corsican Republic, but he would first rule over France. Baptized Roman Catholic.
Hitler: Born in Austria, but he would first rule over Germany. Baptized Roman Catholic.

Napoléon: Changed his surname from “di Buonaparte” to “Bonaparte.”
Hitler: Changed his surname from “Hiedler” to “Hitler.”

Napoléon: Started as First Consul of France before crowning himself Emperor.
Hitler: Started as Chancellor of Germany before appointing himself Führer.

Napoléon: Came to power not long after France’s monarchy had been transformed into a republic. Later changed country name from “French REPUBLIC” to “French EMPIRE.”
Hitler: Came to power not long after Germany’s monarchy had been transformed into a republic. Later changed country name from “Weimar REPUBLIC” to “Deutsches Reich” meaning “German EMPIRE.”

Napoléon: Best known for trying to conquer Europe.
Hitler: Best known for trying to conquer Europe.

Napoléon: Turning point in his career was failed invasion of Russia known as the “Patriotic War.” Italy was an ally in this invasion.
Hitler: Turning point in his career was failed invasion of Russia known as the “Great Patriotic War.” (This is obviously the work of lazy Soviet propaganda, they didn’t ever bother to change the name!) Italy was an ally in this invasion.

Napoléon: Died due to arsenic poisoning.
Hitler: Died due to cyanide poisoning.

Note to future, most likely confused self: This a satire of the Jesus myth hypothesis, specifically the claim that the gospels are merely retellings of older stories about pagan life-death-rebirth deities. Some of the facts are intentionally false or misleading. P.S. Happy Easter