Shaking Off

Adolf Hitler is so obviously a mythical figure I don’t know why people still believe in him. Let’s see, he was born in a different country then the one he would first rule. Sound familiar? I thought so. That’s because Hitler is merely a 20th century recasting of Napoléon Bonaparte, probably the result of a massive Soviet propaganda effort. The resemblances are blatant:

Napoléon: Born in the Corsican Republic, but he would first rule over France. Baptized Roman Catholic.
Hitler: Born in Austria, but he would first rule over Germany. Baptized Roman Catholic.

Napoléon: Changed his surname from “di Buonaparte” to “Bonaparte.”
Hitler: Changed his surname from “Hiedler” to “Hitler.”

Napoléon: Started as First Consul of France before crowning himself Emperor.
Hitler: Started as Chancellor of Germany before appointing himself Führer.

Napoléon: Came to power not long after France’s monarchy had been transformed into a republic. Later changed country name from “French REPUBLIC” to “French EMPIRE.”
Hitler: Came to power not long after Germany’s monarchy had been transformed into a republic. Later changed country name from “Weimar REPUBLIC” to “Deutsches Reich” meaning “German EMPIRE.”

Napoléon: Best known for trying to conquer Europe.
Hitler: Best known for trying to conquer Europe.

Napoléon: Turning point in his career was failed invasion of Russia known as the “Patriotic War.” Italy was an ally in this invasion.
Hitler: Turning point in his career was failed invasion of Russia known as the “Great Patriotic War.” (This is obviously the work of lazy Soviet propaganda, they didn’t ever bother to change the name!) Italy was an ally in this invasion.

Napoléon: Died due to arsenic poisoning.
Hitler: Died due to cyanide poisoning.

Note to future, most likely confused self: This a satire of the Jesus myth hypothesis, specifically the claim that the gospels are merely retellings of older stories about pagan life-death-rebirth deities. Some of the facts are intentionally false or misleading. P.S. Happy Easter

(Cross posted at LiveJournal and Facebook)

This is my first entry. In the future, when I become the next Kissinger-Sadat-Cromwell-Wilson-Sun-Romero*, we will all be able to look back here and say, “this is where it all began.” Forgive the hubris but I have high hopes for myself.

Eventually I’ll get married. To someone very interesting, perhaps an Irish Catholic socialist with matrilinial Jewish heritage, red hair and an alto voice who is a scholar on liberation theology. We’ll get along despite our differences.† We’ll settle down somewhere, and after gaining my citizenship I’ll take the position as Ambassador to the United Nations (unless of course I decide to be a missionary in Taiwan). We’ll live in a house built from imported Lebanese Cedar, the same wood the Phoenicians used to build their great navies and King Solomon used for the construction of the temple in Jerusalem. I’d like to summer on Bouvet Island if Norway agrees to cede it to me. As I said, high hopes.

This picture appeared in The Globe & Mail about a month ago (AFP/Getty Images). It apparently depicts “opposition gunmen” whatever that means. Lebanon is not unlike Northern Ireland where you have militias on both sides fighting each other. So I guess that makes pretty much everyone a terrorist.

Now what I want to know is why these boys are so well dressed. Their hair is done up all nice and the guy on the right has a very well-sculpted beard. The guy beside him in the maroon has a semi-greaser look going on but that’s neither hear nor there. Did a group of friends meet together and say, “Yo man, let’s gel our hair and then go get our terrorist on.” Or were they just in the middle of a day out on the town when the fighting broke out? If that’s the case did they have to run home to get their AK-47s or do they always carry assault rifles around with them?

And what’s with the bandanna over the face? Is he pulling off a bank heist in the wild west? It’s got a bunch of colours on it and at least two American flags and I’m thinking that’s not standard hijab wear. He’s holding some sort of stick. It looks like it has electric tape on it. Maybe it’s a hockey stick? Was he in the middle of hockey practice? Sorry folks, that is unlikely because Lebanese hockey is dead and there was only one player to begin with.

And that’s all I’m going to say. I’m off to the land of the vikings.

* When I first wrote this almost a year ago I was a political realist so I’m not quite sure how Wilson made it onto the list. Over the past months however, I’ve transitioned into a strongly idealist position thus making the inclusion of Kissinger an anomaly. I’ve kept the wording unchanged for historical purposes.

† I think it would work surprisingly well considering that I’m a Fine Gael supporter which would effectively make our marriage a miniature version of a Fine Gael-Labour coalition.