Shaking Off

Eurovision was so awesome. I’m totally going to watch it every year now. Although, from what I gather, not all host countries take the contest as serious as Russia did so in effect, this might have been the “Beijing” of Eurovisions in that future countries won’t be laying down so much cash when hosting the contest

Politically motived voting remains, as always, an issue. Cyprus gave Greece douze points and Moldova and Romania likewise swapped their twelve. And it goes without saying that the non-Greek Balkan nations all scratched either others’s backs.

Alexander Rybak of Norway was a deserving winner. In the past Norway has had the dubious honour of coming in last place 10 times, four of which they got nul points. This year they got a record-breaking 387 points, including a record-breaking 16 sets of douze points and a record-breaking 169-point lead over second place. So, all in all, pretty successful.

The great thing about Rybak’s win is his song and his choreography were relatively simple. If I have one criticism of the contest as a whole, it’s the excessive stage productions that take the attention away from the music:

France Gall, 1965 (winner): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5aeeSmkPwQ
Svetlana Loboda, 2009: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6q6eKK3NcR8

A few screen caps:

The French singer was unfortunately given not one, but two black eyes before going on stage.

Beware of Greeks riding giant staplers.

Rarely seen in the wild, this is the critically endangered German jazz cowboy, or die Deutschejazzenkowboy.

Based on her “hat,” Albania was apparently the setting for The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Those backward Muslim countries are SO repressive to their women.

I sat and pondered for some time over how I could turn this into a Russian reversal but I’ve got nothing. It’s just a picture of an oddly emotional Русский singer.

Easily my favourite Russian word. Evar.

Wohoo!

[Ed.—With the proper promotion I think Brinck, the entrant from Denmark, could definitely break through the North American market. He's the only one whose style I think is suitable. But, in reality, with the exception of a handful of musicans (e.g. ABBA) mainland Europeans never hit the U.S. charts.]

Yesterday was the second semi-final of the Eurovision Song Contest. The final will take place tomorrow. It was overall a pretty good bunch, although neither Ireland nor Cyprus, both of whom I thought had really strong numbers, made the cut. Europeans have weird tastes.

The Latvian singer was jumping around the stage more or less in this position for the entire number. Although I have to give them props for resisting the temptation to sing in English. I can’t speak Russian but I thought I heard the word “kulak” so maybe the song was about the plight of wealthy farmers.

The lead singer/violinist from Norway is the frontrunner in the Eurovision Moustache Contest.

Before each song a transliterated Russian word was displayed along with its translation. I was completely stumped by this one before I checked the meaning in English.

Medved! MEDVED! That’s like…

Preved Medved! Speaking of John Lurie, the first Lounge Lizards album is so awesome.

Really, no Russian party would be complete without bears.

So I have this stereotype in my head of Serbs as being assholes which is, admittedly based more or less entirely on Gavrilo Princip and Slobadan Milošević, the only two Serbs I can name off the top of my head. After seeing this act though, I don’t know what to think.

The Hungarian singer having his clothes torn off. You could say they’re “Hungary for love!” Eh, eh? No? Oh well.

The Slovenian singer was behind this curtain for two thirds of the performance. When she finally emerged I disappointed and surprised at the fact that she was neither naked nor hideous, respectively.

Of the 25 countries competing in the final, 13 of them have never won, including Azerbaijan, a country nobody’s heard of (it’s one of the few Asian CIS members whose name doesn’t end in “-stan”). I hope their chief export is hot women like AySel (who’s only 20!!). If Azerbaijan does when it’ll be only the second or third time the winner isn’t pasty white.

Kids, this is what happens to you when you grow up in a godless country: green men molest you.

Roman centurions in hamster wheels are a common sight in the Ukrainian countryside.

“By the way, I’d like to tell you about the things you need to watch the Eurovision Song Contest. You need wide screen TV, you need laptop and you need a toaster. You need TV to watch, laptop to get the exclusive [unintelligle] access backstage to exclusive materials and the chance to get in toach with the fans of Eurovision, so go eurovision.tv and toaster… for making toast!” - Dmitriy Sheplev, Greenroom Reporter

He redeemed himself, however, with some good comments in the following press conference. Which was boring for the most part except when some asshole from the Netherlands asked the Moldovan party whether he would have to bring his own tent next year if Moldova won the contest (Moldova, of course, being one of the least developed countries in Europe). I didn’t catch her answer, which was in Moldovan (which is IDENTICAL to Romanian, but don’t tell that to a Moldovan).

Also during the press conference, they had multiple cameras going and this shot came on the screen and inexplicably lingered there for several seconds.

I’ve been stung by Cupid’s arrow. It’s official, I am going to marry this mascot woman. [Ed.—It seems her name is Ksenia Sukhinova and she's actually a year younger than I am. Oh and she was Miss World 2008.]

HELLO! WE ARE RUSSIAN! ISN’T ZAT GREAT!

The obnoxious and unfunny hosts. I lol’d once though, when he described Israel’s entry as “the most political[ly] correct song” in the contest (the song is in English, Hebrew and Arabic and is performed as a duet between an Israeli Jew and an Israeli Arab).

And so begins Eurovision, or as she put it, “the most exciting European song battle of the year.” Which would suggest that “song battles” are a common occurrence in Europe.

The chameleon: she appears wearing a different hat and shirt for each upcoming performance. This is Belgium.

White City/Dome of the Rock/Menorah hats are very popular in Israel this time of year.

What more can I say that isn’t already painfully obvious, really? Oh, and the band’s name is also their website URL: gipsy.cz

I would mock them but there’s a chance this might be traditional Armenian religious garb.

What contest is complete without an angry Belgian Elvis? His song was, fittingly enough, entitled “Copycat.” I actually liked it but he didn’t qualify for the final.

Icelandic girl next store. God I love that country.

In trying to convince you to buy the CD and DVD he namedrops ABBA and Celine Dion, who are two of the only Eurovision winners (out of about fifty) who have gone on to have internationally successful careers. In Dion’s case it was almost a decade after her win so the connection is tenuous at best.  He also came up with this dynamite utterance: “We’re waiting for you, because without you we can’t wait.”

Legendary Russian musicians: Rimsky-Korsakov, Tchaikovsky, Shostakovich, t.A.T.u.
(At least Tchaikovsky’s homosexuality was legit.)

She’s such a tease.

So despite all my mocking and sarcasm I actually really enjoyed watching it. The Second Semi-Final is on right now, I’ll probably watch the replay later tonight: www.eurovision.tv

Adolf Hitler is so obviously a mythical figure I don’t know why people still believe in him. Let’s see, he was born in a different country then the one he would first rule. Sound familiar? I thought so. That’s because Hitler is merely a 20th century recasting of Napoléon Bonaparte, probably the result of a massive Soviet propaganda effort. The resemblances are blatant:

Napoléon: Born in the Corsican Republic, but he would first rule over France. Baptized Roman Catholic.
Hitler: Born in Austria, but he would first rule over Germany. Baptized Roman Catholic.

Napoléon: Changed his surname from “di Buonaparte” to “Bonaparte.”
Hitler: Changed his surname from “Hiedler” to “Hitler.”

Napoléon: Started as First Consul of France before crowning himself Emperor.
Hitler: Started as Chancellor of Germany before appointing himself Führer.

Napoléon: Came to power not long after France’s monarchy had been transformed into a republic. Later changed country name from “French REPUBLIC” to “French EMPIRE.”
Hitler: Came to power not long after Germany’s monarchy had been transformed into a republic. Later changed country name from “Weimar REPUBLIC” to “Deutsches Reich” meaning “German EMPIRE.”

Napoléon: Best known for trying to conquer Europe.
Hitler: Best known for trying to conquer Europe.

Napoléon: Turning point in his career was failed invasion of Russia known as the “Patriotic War.” Italy was an ally in this invasion.
Hitler: Turning point in his career was failed invasion of Russia known as the “Great Patriotic War.” (This is obviously the work of lazy Soviet propaganda, they didn’t ever bother to change the name!) Italy was an ally in this invasion.

Napoléon: Died due to arsenic poisoning.
Hitler: Died due to cyanide poisoning.

Note to future, most likely confused self: This a satire of the Jesus myth hypothesis, specifically the claim that the gospels are merely retellings of older stories about pagan life-death-rebirth deities. Some of the facts are intentionally false or misleading. P.S. Happy Easter

(Cross posted at Facebook and LiveJournal.)

So it seems fairly certain that there’s going to be a Likud victory. Now, if we’re lucky they will be able form a rainbow coalition with their traditional opponents, Kadima and Labor. Otherwise, Yisrael Beitanu will be the main coalition partner, which means Israeli politics will swing way to the right. Yisrael Beitanu, also known (mainly by me) as the “Fucking Crazy Party”, has been compared to the Nazis on occasion but I think that’s just journalists getting off on the irony of comparing a Jewish organization to a notoriously antisemitic one. However, Yisrael Beitanu is ultra-nationalistic and racist, which is bad news for any Arabs living in Israel or (especially) the Palestinian territories.

The funny thing is that it is Hamas and, by negligence, the rest of the Arab world, that has driven the Israeli public to such hawkishness. By their constant barrage of rockets, Hamas has brought this on. Now, I can see two possible explanations for this:

1. Hamas just loves war. They love getting their jihad on and no peace process is going to stop them. Notably when the UN Security Council came up with a ceasefire proposal Hamas rejected it alongside Israel.

2. The concept of a liberal democracy where people vote for the party that best represents their views instead of the party which they view as being least corrupt; this concept is so utterly foreign to Hamas that they are unaware of the influence they have on Israeli politics.

Now the Israeli blockade of Gaza is stupid, ineffective and wickedly damaging to Israeli credibility. Just take a look at Cuba and you’ll see how effective blockades are for inducing regime change. However, the term “Israeli blockade” is misleading because Egypt has been maintaining a blockade as well. You see, everyone hates Hamas. Especially the Arab countries. Egypt is willing to blockade Gaza in order to protect its citizens but is unwilling to take any further action. The governments of the Arab world avoid criticizing Hamas too much because they fear it might provoke an international Islamist uprising (cf. Mugabe and the African Union). So they choose to butt heads with Israel instead of Hamas. Better the devil you know.

Part 1 of an infinite part series on the stupidity of abortion.

(Cross posted at Facebook and LiveJournal.)

So President Obama has reversed Ronald Reagan’s “Mexico City policy” which disallows public funding for death factories.  I mean, obviously it’s not enough just to have the ability to slaughter your unborn child, it’s necessary for hard working taxpayers to bankroll your ≈$500 “oops.”  Ever since Mr. Reagan formulated it in 1984, this policy has ping-ponged between Republicans and Democrats.  One thing’s for sure: it’s fairly evident now that Mr. Obama is NOT a secret Muslim.  For as the Qur’an tells us: “Kill not your children for fear of want: We shall provide sustenance for them as well as for you. Surely the killing of them is a great sin.” (17:31, Yusuf Ali).

For my part, I have conceived of a policy that is complimentary to Mr. Reagan’s.  I call it the “Keep Your Legs Together policy.”  It goes something like this: You are about to engage in sexual intercourse.  Are you prepared to deal with the challenges of parenthood should your actions result in pregnancy?  If yes, then proceed. If no, then keep your legs together!

(Cross posted at Facebook and LiveJournal.)

I hereby proclaim, for now and for evermore, today, December 12 shall be celebrated as Victory over Communism (V-C) Day.

Now I realize that this may seem premature because after all there are still five communist states out there and several more where communist parties form governments. Nonetheless, the collapse of the Soviet Union at the end of 1991 represented a swift kick in the nuts of the world revolution. The USSR broke apart over the entire month of December 1991, beginning with the Ukrainian independence referendum on the 1st and ending with the complete and utter cessation/transfer of all functions on the 31st.

So why the 12th? Well since it’s hard to pin down exactly popular dates include the 21st when the CIS was formed or 26th when the Supreme Soviet voted to dissolve the union. However, since both of these are too close to Christmas, I decided on the 12th which is when Russia left the union, a point that there was definitely no turning back from. Just as if England were to secede from the UK, Russia’s departure effectively rendered the superpower defunct.

I want to take this time to recognize some important warriors in the struggle against communism:

Pope John Paul the Great
Everybody knows him, he was the head of the largest church in the world, a figurehead for over a billion people. Nevertheless I believe too many people regard him “simply” as a religious figure and don’t appreciate the political influence he had.

The Roman Catholic Church’s no-holds-barred opposition to communism was one of several factors that led European communists to break from Moscow and develop “eurocommunism,” a version of communism which, among other things, lacked the atheist ambitions of straight up Marxism.

However, I believe one quotation says it better than anything else. In 1992, devout atheist Mikhail Gorbachev made the follow comment: “What has happened in Eastern Europe in recent years would not have been possible without the presence of this Pope, without the great role even political that he has played on the world scene.”

Chiang Kai-shek
Much has been said about Chiang’s authoritarian rule and human rights violations. While there are many things he did I certainly don’t endorse, he was stuck between a rock and a hard place: with the Japanese breaking down his front door and the communists coming in the back he did what he had to. In fighting Japan he lost China and he decided that some freedoms would have to be sacrificed to prevent infiltration. One thing is for sure: in 1949 there were two China’s and today one of them is a liberal democracy with a robust economy and the other is an exploitative police state. Chiang’s China is the former.

The Partisans
Last, but not least I want to give a shout out to all those who fought against unbelievable odds. After everyone else had given up they refused to put down their arms. While Russian White Army and the Chinese National Revolutionary Army must be given their due, the people for whom I have limitless respect are those who continued to fight to the bitter end, moving from town to town or even living in the wilderness to avoid capture. These people mainly lived in Eastern Europe and the Baltic states. Who knows what drove them on to fight a battle they could never hope to win? Perhaps at first they were preparing for Western intervention. But after the brutal crushing of the Hungarian Revolution many still fought on.

I’m really glad I wasn’t alive in 1956 because I would have been so fucking pissed off at the uselessness of the West to come to the aid of Hungary. We just sat on our hands and said, “Oh wow, you must be very brave. We’re so proud of you, and although we’re not going to stop the Soviets from brutally crushing you, Time Magazine has agreed to make you Man of the Year as a consolation prize.” 12 years later like déjà vu, the same damn thing happened to Czechoslovakia.

But still they fought on. Poland’s “cursed soldiers,” the Forest Brothers of the Baltic nations and various groups in Romania. I hope one day I am able to find a cause for which I have a fraction of the passion they had.

(Cross posted at Facebook and LiveJournal.)

“Ben, why do you complain so much about the monarchy?”
“It has no real power.”
“It’s not even a relevant issue.”

So Prime Minister Stephen Harper requested proroguing of parliament and Governor General Michaëlle Jean granted his request. That buys Mr. Harper some time but ultimately if the opposition parties do topple the government the ball is in Mme. Jean’s court. Would she allow a coalition to form? or would she call an election?

Why is it her decision? I don’t remember voting for her. I guess she was appointed then, but she must have had parliamentary confirmation. Wait, she didn’t? Well, the vast majority previous Governors General have been Members of Parliament, Canadian or British, or at least held some sort of diplomatic post. Pardon? You say she was none of these things? She was actually a reporter? Well, clearly that qualifies her to be the head of our military. I guess she represents same old hag named Mrs. Windsor (just don’t call her that in parliament or else you’ll be expelled).

Contrary what some will have you believe this coalition idea is more democratic than the Senate and completely constitutional. It’s also completely stupid. Like suicide or abortion, just because you can doesn’t mean you should. The last two times there were serious coalition discussions it was concerning the issue of conscription. Maybe we should bring that back, too, because I think Hamid Karzai would be a much better leader to live under than Stéphane Dion. You know, if we’re lucky, this may even turn into a full blown constitution crisis. That would just be swell on top of that little economic crisis we’re already in.

But Mr. Harper, this doesn’t mean I’m letting you off the hook. I’d like to introduce you to my good friend John Maynard Keynes. You’d do well to listen to what he has to say.

(Cross posted at Facebook and LiveJournal.)

dum dee dum, it’s my birthday. It’s the second time in my life that my age is divisible by 11. It will probably happen about 5 more times (hopefully). Let us reflect…

Who am I? No, really, WHO AM I? Well I’m a 70th generation descendant of the Suebi tribe. While that sounds cool it’s mostly speculation combined with a little bit of research and math.

This much I know for certain: I’m a tenth generation Swiss Mennonite immigrant and a fourth generation English migrant. Northumberland to be precise, I believe. I’m also a eighth generation Dutch immigrant. I have some Anglo-Norman roots and possibly some Scottish, too. But mostly there’s German, Dutch and English blood flowing through my veins giving me a fairly well-rounded Germanic heritage.

I want to be proud of my Germanic heritage, I really do. Unfortunately, unlike other groups like the Slavs or the Celts there’s a stigma attached to the idea of a united Germanic ethnicity. You see, there once was this historical figure who was also very proud of his Germanic heritage. His name was Adolf Hitler. Much the same way he ruined the name “Adolf” and the toothbrush moustache, he’s ruined Germanic pride. What a douchebag.

Historically national identity has been very closely tied with religious identity and this is no different in my case. My mom’s family were all Anglicans from England. My dad’s family ultimately hailed from the Old Swiss Confederacy, the birthplace of Anabaptism and the Dutch Republic, which encapsulated Friesland, the birthplace of the Mennonites. As for me personally, I’m still searching. And for me faith is a very private, intimate matter. You could say I’m a lapsed-deist monotheist. But there were two paths I have been exploring. They were two that appealed to me the most and incidentally they both have deep connections with the Germanic peoples.

After exploring Anglicanism I concluded it was a little too traditional for me and I was also uncomfortable with the intimate links it has with the British monarchy. So I next looked to Lutheranism. Martin Luther was, of course, born in the Holy Roman Empire. Lutheranism spread to the Nordic countries where it still functions as an established church in most of them.

The other, more enigmatic, form of Christianity that piqued my interest was Arianism. This school of thought, later to be deemed a heresy was founded by Arius, a Berber priest from Egypt. For awhile it seemed posed to become the dominant form of Christianity. Eventually, however, it was decisively crushed at the Council of Nicaea. However, in the meantime, many of the Germanic “barbarians” had already been converted to Arian Christianity. Odoacer, the first ruler of Italy after the fall of the Western Roman Empire was such a person. Eventually however, the orthodox catholic doctrines won out. Oh well.

After writing this, I am still no closer to my answer of who I am.

(Cross posted at LiveJournal and Facebook)

I’m thinking of a politician. He has many detractors but is nonetheless an elected official who is very popular where he’s from. Some of his various political positions include opposition to gay marriage and support for a two-tiered health care system. He’s a man for whom religion is very important and talks openly about his faith. His foreign policy includes maintaining close ties with Israel and sending more troops to fight in Afghanistan.

Who am I thinking of? You’re thinking probably some real conservative figure, maybe Stockwell Day? Well you’re wrong. I’m thinking of Barack Obama. While he does have a lot of other opinions on various issues, many of which wouldn’t fit nicely into this little game we played, the fact of the matter is Mr. Obama isn’t nearly as left-wing as some people would like to believe. I laughed out loud the first time I heard him being called a “socialist.” If Mr. Obama is a socialist then Jack Layton must currently be planning a revolution of the proletariat. Read more »